In other news…

I cooked for the first time since, I believe April 17. Yes I remember because it was when him and I made dinner for his parents the night before they went on vacation. I mean I threw together little things here and there when he was gone but it was super minimal and mostly cereal and take out since my morning sickness was on a rampage.

Today though I made soup for the first time without him: from prep to finish. It felt weird, slightly sad, but nice overall. Slowly taking baby steps in getting my life back from that hole of depression I was falling into. I still cry, I still think about him and it and everything- but looking back on the state I was in before I came home… or even worse when I was in dk… shit I think I’ve come quite a long way.

I’m proud of myself. I still have a shit time and I still feel extremely down most of the day, but it’s manageable. I’m able to cry without falling apart and thinking my world is falling apart anymore. It gets bad sometimes when I just want to reach out to him. But I fight it, and I manage to just talk to his picture or even like he’s right in front of me and that helps a ton! It sounds crazy I know but it’s the way I find like I can get what I need to say out and by consequence get that horrible feeling out. I’ve continued to pray and meditated for the 2nd time.

I admit I pray and try to manifest him coming back. I know it’s unlikely but I don’t think that hope I have is too toxic at this point. I think I’ll know when I need to drop it… for now I’m leaving it all up to the universe but still hoping I get a call one day saying he loves me and wants to give this another try and be there for our baby.

Idk, I’m a hopeless romantic and I still believe he is the one.

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