Out in the rain and cold

It’s not love when they leave out in the rain and cold for like half an hr right?

Woke up at 4am sorta mind blown by the events that played out the previous evening. Apparently I hate myself and decided to spend my last Sunday here in country x (let’s call it Lala land) at the same park where we got engaged.

Like a scene from a movie I walked all the way there then sat by the lake looking up at the very spot where he got down on one knee. To add salt on my wounds I went into that godforsaken hidden folder in my phone and looked at all our pictures- both from the day he proposed to the first pictures we have together at this lovely place. I broke my heart even more by reliving every memory we shared there and convinced myself it was apart of the mourning process.

About 2 hours into my pity party, the rains started (that famous Lala land downpour) when I got up from the grass and decided to walk the grounds then go torture myself a little more by going up to the very spot I saw my whole future flash before my eyes- those blue eyes that I get lost in down on one knee asking me to spend the rest of my life with him. Again, rethinking it was the scene from a movie- sad girl in a trench coat out in the rain, over looking the entire castle grounds from the spot where she once felt like a princess. It broke my heart but I found peace somehow.

After I decided that I was soaked in the rain enough I got the brightest idea to go just go to his apartment. Yes I know dumb. But with all the emotions and hormones rushing through me, I thought what did I have to lose? ( apparently I forget about that thing called my dignity). I remember praying silent prayers every step I took asking any Devine spirit to give me the opportunity to see him one last time, to see that face I love so much, to be able to tell how much I love him one last time.

I prayed and prayed until I found myself at the doorstep of the apartment building. The rain had definitely picked up even more now and I rang the bell twice. To my surprise he answered (even though I didn’t even expect him to be home) but what followed probably put the last nail in the proverbial coffin.

” I don’t want to talk to you, I told you I’m done” -” please can we talk?” – “no, go away” -“please can I see you” – *phone hangs up* then every minute for the next half hr or more I rang the bell between one to three times. Shit I became that crazy ex gf. I couldn’t feel disgusted by myself by all the craziness I was doing because I was too busy being desperate for his love and… his pity? I wanted him to care. I wanted to him see that I love him too much to not try any and everything to be with him. I wanted him to see my persistence and effort and now badly I didn’t want to give up.

I stood out there in the rain and cold until i managed to call a friend who gently talked me away from the door and back to the bus stop. I did it, I gave up. Only then I felt disgusted with myself. I didn’t know my heart could break anymore. All I could ask myself was what did I ever do, to deserve this level of disgust. I hated myself. I felt lost. I didn’t know what direction to look in.

Flash forward to now, I woke up with those usual weird stomach feelings which I like to think of as my uterus growing. I touched my belly and thought of him but the tears didn’t come. All I can think is – someone who literally leaves you out in the rain and cold can’t possibly love you right? It’s time to let go. Because I know in my heart that I would NEVER want this little one in my tummy to ever have to go through that level of pain and embarrassment, so why should I allow myself to?

It doesn’t stop it from hurting though. It also definitely doesn’t stop me from not only loving him but now feeling more pain after the realization that maybe he really doesn’t love me too.

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